Star Wars Episode 7 Coming in 2015. For Real.

I read this breaking news story on Twitter and my immediate response was something like this:

No.

No way.

*Doublechecks  date. Confirm’s today is NOT April’s Fool’s Day.*

WTF……???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

But yes.  Yes, this shit is true, because somewhere along the way, the entire universe must have pissed off George Lucas and he’s exacting his long-awaited, best-served cold revenge on humanity by ruining his amazing films from my childhood by making shitty sequels and prequels that are not even worthy of the big screen, much less being tied to the original Indiana Jones/Star Wars films.

Disney Films issued a statement about half an hour ago reporting they are  in the process of acquiring Lucasfilm LTD – including the “legendary STAR WARS franchise.”

In addition, the press release revealed along with the acquisition, Disney Studios has on tap Star Wars 7, which is set for release in 2015.

As far as the acquisition, Lucas says in a statement:

“For the past 35 years, one of my greatest pleasures has been to see Star Wars passed from one generation to the next,” said George Lucas, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Lucasfilm. “It’s now time for me to pass Star Wars on to a new generation of filmmakers. I’ve always believed that Star Wars could live beyond me, and I thought it was important to set up the transition during my lifetime. I’m confident that with Lucasfilm under the leadership of Kathleen Kennedy, and having a new home within the Disney organization, Star Wars will certainly live on and flourish for many generations to come. Disney’s reach and experience give Lucasfilm the opportunity to blaze new trails in film, television, interactive media, theme parks, live entertainment, and consumer products.”

Furthermore, it’s not just limited to one additional Star Wars movie. Oh, no. Disney plans on taking this franchise – to coin a phrase from my days as a software sales girl – “deeper and wider:”

Kathleen Kennedy, current Co-Chairman of Lucasfilm, will become President of Lucasfilm, reporting to Walt Disney Studios Chairman Alan Horn. Additionally she will serve as the brand manager for Star Wars, working directly with Disney’s global lines of business to build, further integrate, and maximize the value of this global franchise. Ms. Kennedy will serve as executive producer on new Star Wars feature films, with George Lucas serving as creative consultant. Star Wars Episode 7 is targeted for release in 2015, with more feature films expected to continue the Star Wars saga and grow the franchise well into the future.

And since George Lucas hasn’t met a dollar bill he hasn’t loved, he’s getting some new ones.  In fact, he’s getting $4.05 billion of them, because that’s the price Disney is paying for LucasFilm.

The shitacular Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull and the shitacular Star Wars prequels are (unfortunately) very clear in my memory, George. The movie watching public hasn’t forgotten – and never will – how you took a massive dump on all of our childhoods with those cinematic turds.

Nor have we forgotten – or forgiven – you for Jar Jar Binks.

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