PEOPLE Paid Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel $300k for This

This hot mess of a picture is brought to you courtesy of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s wedding album. The ceremony, which officially kicked off the Timberbiel Divorce Clock for gossip blogs everywhere, took place in Italy last week and apparently there was a bidding war for photos from the event.  PEOPLE won out and reportedly paid $300,000 for the rights to run the first pics.

And to borrow a phrase from my personal idol, The Old Man (real name: Darren McGavin): it’s a pink nightmare.

First, let’s discuss Justin jumping – for joy, we presume? It looks like it should be an album cover, not a wedding photo. Was Jessica even necessary for this pic?  I mean, it’s like LOOK AT ME!!! Oh, and there’s Jess off to the side.

And really – could she be any more boring? The most compelling thing she’s got going on here is that monstrosity of a wedding dress (note to Lucy Justice and my friend Nikkeh, both of whom are getting getting hitched next year:  here’s a stellar example of  what not to wear).  I feel like we’re just one puffed sleeve away from prom, circa 1984, with this gown.

Anyhoo, here’s the dish on the wedding details:

When the couple of five years exchanged personal vows in a romantic Italian ceremony Oct. 19, “it was a really special evening,” Timberlake, 31, tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story, in which the newlyweds open up for the first time about their special day and share exclusive photos.

“It was a total fantasy experience,” adds Biel, 30.

One cause for emotion? The singer-actor played the guitar and serenaded his beautiful bride-to-be as she walked down the aisle in a custom, petal pink Giambattista Valli Haute Couture gown.

“It was an original piece I wrote specifically for the evening and for her,” says Timberlake, who wore a Tom Ford tux he helped design.

The pair welcomed 100 guests, including close friends Jimmy Fallon, Andy Samberg, Timbaland and Biel’s 7th Heaven costar Beverley Mitchell, to the Borgo Egnazia resort in southern Italy for a week-long wedding celebration.

“It was a lot to ask of them to travel, so we figured we’d give our guests a good party!” says Timberlake.

Um, so Justin serenaded Jessica as she walked down the aisle – with a guitar?  I can’t.  I just..can’t.  I would be mortified. Hell, just reading about it is enough to give me second hand embarrassment.  Honestly, I’m not even that big into weddings but if I were Jessica, I’d be pissed. The march down the aisle is supposed to be the bride’s time. On the other hand, anything to draw attention away from that hideous dress could be considered a minor blessing.

The full interview and with the complete rundown of the ceremony and reception will be available in the upcoming issue of PEOPLE, which hits the stands on Friday, October 26.

P.S.: PEOPLE, I totally see you trollin’ with that pic of Brit-Brit up in the right hand corner…

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