Canada has crop dusted the United States in it’s best troll move since the country shat out Justin Bieber on YouTube a few years ago. The motherfuckin’ Canadian princess Ratvil Lavigne and Nickelsuck frontman Chad Kroeger have just come out of nowhere and announced they’re planning an unholy union of marriage.
The entire population of the U.S. (and let’s be honest – Canada, too) read the news this morning and reacted like this: ”OMG WTF HAHAHAAHAHAH ….But seriously. WTF?”
No one even knew these two were dating, much less getting married. Last time we heard, Ratvil was still in a relationship with Brody Jenner, and Chad was dating no one (because have you seen his face of heard his music?!) and now…this. Whatever “this” is.
Ratvil’s rep says the unholy union began six months ago when the two met to co-write a song for Ratvil’s next album. Surprisingly, there was no earth-ending paradox when two shitty Canadian musicians occupied the same space at the same time.
Adding more ‘what the fucking fuck?!’ to this news is the fact that it was announced yesterday, which was Brody Jenner’s birthday.
When I texted Lucy Justice about this first thing this morning, she wasn’t all surprised. Her response was “they both make horrible music so of course they got together!”
Of course, it seems awfully quick to get hitched, even if like attracts like. Ratvil and Brody broke up in January, she and Chad just started humping on each other in February… which makes me wonder if Ratvil is carrying Chad’s spawn in her womb. I guess that would answer the question that no one ever asked of ”what would happen if a rat with no musical talented mated with a cocker spaniel with no musical talent?”
Anyhoo, if she IS pregnant, I’m convinced 2012 is the end of days, and earth will once again be taken out by a meteorite – a talentless hack of a meteorite that will blast out of Ratvil’s black-hole vagina and swallow the earth in misery as it plays Photograph on repeat.
God save us all.