UPDATE 6:37 p.m. EST: Rupert Sanders also released his own half ass apology to his wife and kids – here it is:
I am utterly distraught about the pain I have caused my family.
My beautiful wife and heavenly children are all I have in this world. I love them with all my heart. I am praying that we can get through this together.
… Well at least one night your wife and kids weren’t the ONLY thing you had….
Kristen, this is just lame! I mean, c”mon! If you’re going to be a homewrecking slut, at least put some back into it. Just where is Sienna Miller when need to teach a ho how to ho?
Kristen released a statement publicly apologizing to Robert Pattinson and confirming that she did, indeed, step out and get a little married strange with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders:
“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob.
I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”
Bitch, what is this? Are you kidding me? I’ve heard shame-filled queefs sneak out with more dignity than this statement.
It’s like Kristen dipped into the Scrabble apology bag, pulled out a bunch of random ways to say “I’m sorry,” and tried to string it together in something heartfelt (hint: it didn’t work.) First off, no one buys that it was a one time only thing. You’re saying that you and Rupert didn’t knock boots during the months of filming or the weeks of PR blitz ahead of the release? You two just happen to run into each other in a park where you both decide “Hey, why don’t we make out out? Or suck my tittays?” Bitch, please. This apology is right up there with lame excuses like, “I fell into her vagina!” “I didn’t mean for it to happen!” “I thought it was you.”
Then, of course, there is the wife of the man you slept with, and his two small children, which are not mentioned in this statement. Do they not warrant a public apology? Girrrl.
However, the best part of this entire thing, of course, is the Twitard shitstorm that is happening. Ladies and gentleman, hunker down, because it’s a category five hurricane of cray and it’s unstoppable. All last night, those psycho Robstew and Twatlight fans were trying to convince themselves that US Weekly’s photos were chopped and accusing the media of throwing around lies to break up their OTP Rob and Kristen, all the while attempting to drown themselves in a vat of Ben & Jerry’s and watching Twatlight on mute with a little mood music in the background.
Now, with Kristen admitting she rode that director dick behind Rob’s unshowered back, you just know the meltdown is inevitable – and it will be epic. Hours of entertainment can be had on Tumblr or Twatter right now, and I’m totally off to troll.