Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise – Settlement Reached

It’s time to put away the popcorn and pour out our vodka martinis. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have ruined all our fun  by settling their divorce outside of court, so says TMZ.

Boss Bitch Katie took Tammy and all of $cientology by the testicles when she filed for divorce less than two weeks ago.  Her escape was carefully orchestrated and executed with military precision – LIKE A BOSS  (And let’s not forget her amazing dad..if you’re in Ohio and going through a divorce, may I recommend Martin Holmes?)

 According to RadarOnline, the effort was worth it, and Katie was the victor, and she will retain sole legal and physical custody of daughter Suri.  And get this – Tommy can’t even visit Suri unsupervised:

“Katie insisted that Suri’s nanny and bodyguards always accompany her when she visits Tom. Katie did this for several reasons. This will ensure a smooth and easy transition for Suri when she is with Tom.

“Suri is Katie’s number one priority. Tom only has Scientologists that work for him and Katie insisted that her staff will always be with their daughter. Under terms of the settlement, Suri isn’t permitted to be exposed to anything Scientology related and this includes going to any Scientology churches, parties, etc. Katie made sure that this was ironclad in the agreement,

It seems as if Katie’s willingness to hash her life with Tommy Girl out in a public New York Court struck the fear of Xenu into Tiny Tom and $cientology leader, David Miscavige. The highly publicized divorce was shining a spotlight onto cult “religion”  - and the results were anything but positive.  Over the last week, there were several reports claiming Tommy Girl and $cientology leaders were acting like their closet doors had been yanked wide open.

(Somewhere, John Revolta is hoping the heat remains on Tommy for a little while longer so we all forget John’s favorite part of massage is “ass.” )

In an effort to quickly quell that shit, it seems as if Tommy Girl had no choice but to do exactly what Katie told him to do – which is something I can appreicate, honestly. But I won’t lie, I was so hoping that we’d get to hear the gory details of Tiny Tom’s life in the closet, as recited by former bride Katie Holmes to a judge.  That’s the type of stuff a good Lifetime movie is made of!

In the meantime, their PRs rep issued this joint statement to the public:

“We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri’s best interests. We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other’s commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other’s roles as parents,

Allow me to translate:

Tommy Girl and $cientology would like you to all forget this ever happened, and this was the only  statement Katie would agree to sign off on, but really, it’s very very convincing.  However, she doesn’t care, cause she still has their testicles in a jar and will probably display it on her mantle like most actresses would an Oscar.

Whatever Katie had on Tiny Tom, it must have been DAMN GOOD.

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