“Real Housewives” Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on Wife as She Gave Birth

This story is brought to you by my close friends, Ick and Nasty.  Go ahead, grab the barf bags.

Jezebel has shared their misery unearthed this gem of a story from Real Houswives of New York Alex McCord and her husband, Simon van Kempen.  Two years ago, they published a book (that no one read, because really) titled Little Kids, Big City.  In the novel, they shared the tale of the birth of their son, Francois.

And let me tell you folks: the story is filled with Whyyyyy????, WTF and EWWWW. 

Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it’s not too far a stretch to say that it’s a profound experience.

I can’t even imagine why one would (a) actually share the story of JIZZING ON YOUR WIFE AS SHE GAVE BIRTH (the poor kid will never spend hours in therapy, I’m sure) and (b) even more than that, how the hell does your wife giving birth trigger the “yay! jizz time” function?

I just can’t with this story.  Sometimes, I hate the internet.


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